cage

i'm starting to believe i could be sad forever.

the rules

do not say i love you.
do not touch him.
be calm, be quiet, be patient and kind.
listen.
if you need to be alone, it's okay to be alone. it is okay to cry but don't let him see you crying.

don't let him see you give yourself shots. don't let him see you test yourself.
that is a part of your life he can no longer be a part of.

keep your composure, you don't have to smile all the time anymore.
be smart, but only contribute when appropriate.
do not talk about what happened.
do not talk about therapy. do not talk about medication or diabetes.
do not talk about the things you write.

do not talk about the things which scare you. that is many things, but do not talk about them.
don't look him in the eye unless he looks you in the eye. it is not being sheepish, it is being safe.
nod. agree. be sympathetic. be warm, but do not be close. he does not want you to be close.

do the things you need to do. you can leave if you have to. you can leave and you don't have to tell him where you go, only that when you get there that you are safe.

if she calls don't ask who called. never ask who calls. it doesn't matter.
if she wants to see him, let him decide what is right. don't say anything. don't be short or mean. let him make the decision because it is his life.
if she comes back to the apartment, excuse yourself. get food. take a shower. you may panic in the shower, but not once you have gone to sleep. excuse yourself and go to sleep.
if she stays the night, you may leave. pack your things and leave. don't leave a note. go. you may cry on the train but not before the train.

it is okay to stay quiet. to not say anything you think at all. its okay to tell him that you don't want to talk about anything. he tells you when he does not want to talk about things. it is okay because you are friends and he doesn't want you like that. he wants other people. it is okay to look at him blankly. it is okay to not be happy but it isn't okay for you to make him unhappy.

don't make him unhappy. don't say mean things. do not do mean things. he does not deserve that. you still love him and need to respect him.

he may able to keep you from being happy, but do not let him keep you from having fun.
drink and be safe. if you say something you didn't mean to, apologize once. ask for forgiveness once.
he may only give you that one more chance.

do not tell him that he is always with you
that at night you toss and turn
and look for a warmth that is something like his.
do not tell him that you are ready to go.

been

it's been another night with a bottle of sutter home.
i'm afraid i've been talking with myself.

i must be afraid of something. i must be afraid of it all being true.
that everything that happened really happened.
and that i can't go back and change it.
i'd go back and change everything.
i'd have kept them closer.
i'd have kept them as close as i could have.
and where i stayed quiet
i would have screamed
and drawn it all out on the walls.

christ

WHAT DID I DO A FUCKING GAIN.
OH MY GOD.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF MYSELF.

how destination knows

jake is here.
he doesn't help but make me feel worthless.
my faith in people deflates.

21 gunshots

i'm tired of feeling terrible.
my heart feels sore. it feels tired.
i torture myself by thinking about all of the things that make me feel bad.
i torture myself by thinking that maybe there is one chance in a million that things will work out the way i need them to.

today is my 6 month anniversary of being diagnosed as diabetic. i keep thinking back to the day i ended up in the hospital, and how close i had really been to dying. i'm angry at myself that i didn't go to the doctor earlier. i always wait things out like that.
i always wait things out too long. i get to the point where i'm dying before i give in.
sometimes i end up dying and thus having to give up.
today i ordered pizza for everyone at work to celebrate that i am still alive, even though i don't feel all that great about being alive.
a few days ago, my boss told me a story about how her mother lost both of her legs to diabetes. everyone does this though. when they find out that i am diabetic, they offer to me a horror story about a friend or family member who didn't "take care of themselves" and either lost limbs or eyesight. i never know what to say. i want to tell them that if they had diabetes, that they wouldn't want to take care of themselves either. that taking care of yourself is very difficult, and that even when you test five times a day and give insulin, that sometimes you still don't have great blood sugars. this it makes you feel even worse.

i'm doing my best. i really am trying. it's so hard to do it all, though. it's hard to remember to test myself exactly two hours after i give myself insulin. it's hard to remember to write it down in a nice chart for my endocrinologist. it's hard to remember how i got this in the first place, and hard to remember why i still wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat from lows.
it's hard to remember why he left me, and hard to remind myself that i guess things could be worse.

i can't get warm. i can't get comfortable.
i'm trying to get happy again, but i can't get happy.

oh fuck

oh fuck you.
i bet you can get some work done this week, right?

oh god

i don't know where to go or what to do.
maybe i've never really known.

what i can

there are things i can do,
and things i can't.
things you should do,
things you don't.

we fold our hands
let ghosts grow between them
and slither through our fingers
to our noses.

we pray
like it's the last
time that we can.
there are things i know,
things i can't ever tell you
are true.

too

for the time being, i'm being patient.
and i'm too polite to accuse you of being where you've been at night.