know

i don't know what he wants from me anymore.
i don't know what i should do for him. what i am allowed to do, what i am not allowed to do.
i want to see him and hold him. wrap my arms around his shoulders.
touch my palm to his neck and tell him i've missed him. but i don't think that's allowed.
i don't think i'd care if he holds me back.
i don't think i'd care if he didn't respond.

god because i want to be close to him. he has no idea how i want to be close to him.
because it's not allowed. because i see him in my dreams and always wake up in the same bed.

and someone tells me i'm an idiot. and i am.
i am a fucking idiot.
and then someone lays down on the other side
and its so much warmer with someone else there
and i think about how i'm so cold at night.
that i'm always so cold
and that i'm never cold when someone else is there.
but he won't be there anymore.
he won't allow himself to be there.
and i think its because i'm not enough. i've never been enough.
i'll never been enough. never pretty enough. never hipster enough. never smart enough.
never close enough.

but i try. god i try. i try as hard as i can.
i always do my best
and i always try my hardest to be close to him.

and then someone rolls over and puts on his northface and leaves
and its still warm for a little bit
and i try to fall asleep while it is, but i can't
and then its cold.

he doesn't know. and sometimes i don't know.
i don't know what i'm doing or what i should do.
that i don't want to be with anyone else. that i haven't been with anyone else.
that no one else wants me.
that i don't want to be wanted by anyone else.
and i'll catch myself with tears on my pillow
or in my shirt, when i get to thinking
and bury my face in my scarf
hiding and shaking deep in my coat.